This entry was written by a friend of mine, Johnny Midnite. I didn't go to the show so he agreed to be my guy on the scene so to speak. So check out his colorful recap.

warning: not everything that happened here is true. Although a lot of it might be not a lie.....
(more + pics behind the cut)---------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Tales of Childlike Wonder #1: Johnny Midnite Encounters Less Than Jake


It was a dark and... well... wait, let me start this a lot early. So, it was about 2 PM. "I'm time to get ready for this Less Than Jake show happening" I said aloud to myself. "Why the hell are you talking to yourself?" my older brother asked me while he was making a sandwich. "How the hell did I end up in the kitchen?!" I shout at him. (Hey, it's around 2 PM at this point, I already have 8 12 packs of beer in me.) So, I head back to my room, grab another beer, put on my pants, and drink every beer (about 25) in my room, except for the one that I grabbed. I hated that beer. He talked bad about my mother. Nobody talks bad about my mother but me, dammit!

Any ways, where was I? I was saying something, right? Oh, right! So, I drink those 24 beers, run into my little brother's room, and kick him in the teeth. "Alright," I thought to myself "Now I'm ready for action! Action Jackson: Man of 2056!" Wait, did I say that I thought that to myself, because I totally shouted that at my little brother's face. Yeah, that's totally what happened.

Any ways, nothing much happened between then and 6:30, which is when I decide to leave for the show. I run out the back door, waving my gun at the couple running down the street. "Hey, you guys over there! Quit your running for a second! I have an important question!" They stopped running, and look at terrified "Y-y-yes? How can we- OH, GOD, PLEASE DON'T SHOOT US!" they stammered. "Well, you see, I've got a problem. How many people can I kill with two bullets?" I asked with a big grin across my face. Then I proceeded to shoot them both in the chest, and laugh maniacally, ran to my car, and ran them over. I don't know if they died or not, but, you know, it comes with the territory of being a super villain.

Any ways, now to where I was gonna start. It was a dark and stormy, (well, not very stormy, maybe kinda drippy) night, and I was on my way from Miami to Ft. Lauderdale (from here on referred to as Ft. Loud, because that sounds so much cooler). On the way over, I shot out three cars' tires, well maybe more, and killed 8 more people. All this , while drinking 45 more beers. You know, so far a fairly average day in the life of Johnny Midnite.

So, there I am, pulling up to a few blocks away from the club, Revolution it's called, but that's the only time I'm gonna say its name. I look into a few parking lots, most of them are full, or more than $10 to get into. I then pull up to one that has one empty spot left. I shoot the guy taking money in the arm, drive in, hit 5 cars, and force my way into a spot two sizes to small for my tank. Oh, did I mention I drive a tank? Because I totally drive an M10 tank destroyer!

So, I get out of my car, shoot three more people, and head into the club. I get there, kill two people I don't like and piss on some one's leg. "What the hell are you doing?!" she asks. I can tell she was into me so I look deeply into her eyes, waved my gun around, and drunkenly slurred "Hey, baby, howzabout after this show, you and me go back to my place and play Hungry Hungry Me Squeezing Your Boobs then Me Sticking My Finger In Your Bellybutton?" That's how sex works, right? You stick your middle finger in a girl's belly button then she gets pregnant? That's what Jimmy O'Connor, the 3rd grader that lives across the street from me told me the day before.

Any ways, I drunkenly wander around the club, drunkenly shouting at people, kicking 12 year old kids in the face, because fuck those guys. Seriously, They're the worst with their kick lines, and booing great rappers on stage, but I'll get to that later. Where was I? Oh, right! Now is the winter of our discontent... no, wait, that's not right! Oh, yeah! I kick a 12 year old kid's teeth in, and ripped the bathroom door of its hinges, because fuck you, I'm bored! Then I hear some noise coming from the stage. I fall down the stairs to the 1st floor and see the curtains open up. I look to the stage, and first thing I notice is roller coasters fucking everywhere! Well, actually, just a roller coaster on the drums, and two banner type things with the same roller coaster on them. "Hey, we're The Swellers" they said, or something like that. I don't know, I don't really remember this band. They weren't all that great, not bad, but not really anything special.

I bought 23 more beers at the bar, made out with the bartender, then ate the cash register. Yeah, I fucking ate a cash register! I'm that awesome!

Then I heard some voices coming from the stage again, the curtains opened, and out came CAGE! (that's how I'm gonna spell his name because he radiated so much awesome) CAGE! was awesome! He was a rapper, looked like a goth boy, and had a DJ wearing a Morrissey shirt. I heard some people booing him, and drop kicked them in the teeth. That's right, I'm gonna fucking defend CAGE! to the death, jerk! Any ways, he plays a few songs, when the crowd starts chanting "Less Than Jake!" Oh, when I said "The crowd" I meant like a group of 10 12 year old kids standing in a corner, and at some points trying to start a circle pit (pro tip: don't try to start circle pits during a rap group, you'll just look like an idiot), so I did what any logical person would do. I climbed my way up to the 2nd story (using the stairs) and stage dove off the 2nd story right onto the annoying kids, laughing manically all the way down. I got back up, and just kinda awkwardly started at the stage, while CAGE! finished up his set. He eventually gave up against the "boos" being thrown his way (pro tip: it's not always about ska at show).

Any ways, I drunkenly stumble over to the bar, climb my way over, make out with the cute bartender lady, and knock out the asshole bartender that was begging me to leave a dollar in the tip jar, when I did that after my 1st beer, and didn't have any money left over for more tips.

So, I walk over to this girl, and drunkenly shout at her "Hey, baby, let's you and me get outta here, and jump in a boat. I'm an internet millionaire, baby, I can show you a boat like you've never seen. And by a boat, I mean tank. Yeah, let's go back to my tank and do bad, bad th-" by this time she had slapped me across the face. I don't know why, though. I just wanted to go blow stuff up with her.

Any ways, feeling dejected I make my way to the front of the stage, and the curtains open revealing Less Than Jake in all their glorious splendor. They payed a few songs. Then Roger asked Chris "Hey, is that a banana in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?" and Chris pulled out a banana from his pocket. Then Some kid's shoe ended up on stage, and they called a girl up there to identify his shoe from his foot stink. They were then told to make out with eachother, and they totally did. This is no joke. Then they played the rest of their set, which blew my mind (literally! As in my mind's dick got sucked!)

After the show, which ended pretty early, at around like 11:30 in the PM, I go outside and see Buddy hanging around. I talk to him for a bit and get a picture. Then Chris comes out, same thing happens, and then Vinnie, and then Roger. I then got in my tank, ran a few cars over, and made my way home.